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| Long. Long days. Long nights. Long ages. Long flitty things
that looked kind of like birds. All these things and more passed. But
nothing new passes under the sun.
Gogu cracked open his squinty eyes. If he had been less of a man, the
bright sunlight illuminating his face would have forced his eyes closed
again. But he was more of a man. He peered about him. Thor was gone.
The world was changed.
There is a note in the margin of this manuscript, apparently put here by one of the original transcribers, that reads: "While ages passed around Gogu's mountain, his tough manhood turned his feet into stone and he was cemented to the mountain's peak." Then there is a drawing of Gogu standing on a mountain, and his feet are the top of the mountain. And then there is a picture of Gogu squatting and the mountain cracking in half. The next drawing shows him walking around with two half-mountain feet. And then there is this drawing of a flower and a pirate.
Oh, and here's a note under it: "I apologize to the reader. I got bored with all this translating, and I forgot I had a goose quill pen instead of an Eagle #2 pencil, and I started to doodle, and I can't erase it now, sooooooo, yeeeaaah..." The note continues, but some kind of huge ink stain has left the rest of the transcript unreadable, although I can make out the words, "fifty Romans" "Gogu's mountain tremored" "sun shined" "blood dripped like" "a dove" "Ronald Reagan" and "skulls". The next page is completely blacked out, except for another note from the transcriber that says, "You'd like to know, wouldn't you."
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| For three long, hot--well, it wasn't exactly hot, more like
top-o-the-mountain climate, which is two steps above
comin-round-the-mountain climate--days, Gogu and Thor stared into each
other's eyes. Never blinking. Never averting. Never doing other
stuff. But all that time, something had been eating at Thor. There
was something wrong. Something was misplaced. "Wait a minute!" yelled
Thor, "Your eyes aren't even open!" Gogu stood to his full height.
Which wasn't quite as tall as Thor, but Gogu looked him square in the
eye and growled, "Are you accusing me of cheating?" Thor peered closer at Gogu's squinty eyes. "No! no!" Thor shook his head, "you totally lost." But such an
argument could not be settled through argument. They had to appeal to
a higher law. And a higher law they appealed to, in sequence.
"One-two-three-four, I declare I thumb war, five-six-seven-eight, Your
the thumb I really hate." And so it began. The war to end all wars.
But the eternal question still had not been answered. "Are sneak
attacks allowed?" | | |
| "ZURG! ZURG! ZURG!" Echoed and shook all of Italy. But you don't know who that is, do you? Or what it is? Or why, how, when, or where? Well, let me tell you. It isn't a who. Its a country in Central Europe, just west of Greece, and south of the Alps. But what was the sound that shook it? You don't know, do you? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure it plays in later on in the story. So back to the rape of the Sabine women... Have you ever seen that painting called The Rape of the Sabine Women, by Michelangelo or some dude? Ever noticed how buff the women look? Do you think the band of bankrobbers, drug addicts, and scrawny highwaymen, Romulus had assembled could make those Sabine Sylvester Stalone-esque feminists go anywhere? Those guys got their butts whooped, and ran back home to find Gogu rolling in his own laughter, where Rome used to be. Gogu's belly shook like such a big bowl of jelly when he laughed, that he had knocked Rome down, laughing so hard that he cried, and crying so hard that he had just created the Tiber River. "What was that for!" Cried the Romans, forgetting their embarrassment. Gogu explained how he had uncharacteristically videotaped them (he generally wasn't technologically adept) trying to rape the Sabine women, renewing their embarrassment just when they hoped it had expired. As a devout member of YouTube, Gogu would have uploaded it, but YouTube hadn't purchased any property on Cyberspace yet. The tape was later destroyed in 913, when Vikings burned an Irish monastery to the ground. The first YouTube video was uploaded onto the web two years after the incident. Gogu knew all about sacrificial love. But that didn't stop him
from kicking the Romans out of Rome for being wuss's. And so Gogu the
barbarian conquered Rome. Great. Now have you ever read Watership
Down?'
Nevermind. Forget I ever asked about Watership Down. Gogu, learning that Jasmine, his first love, was visiting Italy
on her Christmas Break, called her up and asked to take her on a date!
It would have been the perfect picture! Gogu and Jasmine riding around
the Roman Forum and the Flavian Amphitheater (At the time considered
mysteries, not ruins. It was believed that these "ruins" were in the
same state they always had been. Modern research tells us that the
Forum and Amphitheater were built long after Gogu's dynasty, but
Church-Tradition says otherwise.) in a Horse-drawn Sleigh! Alas for
them, there was no snow. And also alas for them, a sleigh doesn't work
without snow, unless you have flying reindeer. Finally alas for them,
Gogu had no flying reindeer. The resulting picture was not
picturesque: Gogu dragging his primate-ish arms around Rome with
Jasmine, who wanted to take a taxi in the first place. Instead, they
climbed to the top of whats-the-hill-named, danced around the statue of
that-italian-dude-on-a-horse, and admired the magnificent view of
Rome. Persevering through all difficulties, both had a very enjoyable
time. It was very Romantic.
Jeremy: Where is her father for crying out loud?
Storyteller: Now, did I ask for questions? No. I did not. And her father doesn't even know yet.
Maria: Just out of curiosity, when you said, "called her up", what kind of
calling were you referring to? Surely you're not telling me that Gogu,
despite all the odds, had managed to procure a telephone? Perhaps with
Gogu, his voice alone would have sufficed....
Storyteller: Your absolutely right, now if we could just get on with the story.
Jasmine: Nice.
Juliet: This is Gogu's last date, sister Juliet appears in the story if he asks Jazz on another date 
Storyteller: Fine, fine, now, are there any more questions?
Micah: hmmm thats funny... I heard that they went to Jamacia...
Storyteller: That isn't a question. And no, they went to Rome.
Katie Beth: Hoo boy, you've got Juliet on your tail now. Find her another
barbarian, quick!! Gogu doesn't have a brother, does he? OH WAIT. He's
stuck in his chest hair.
*exaggerated sigh*
NEVER mind.......
Storyteller: Can't you pay attention? Yes, his brother was stuck in his chest hair. Now, can we get back onto the story, please? Good.
Sister Juliet and Jasmine went back home. Sister Juliet was quite upset. Sister Juliet is not a nun. She's a sister.
You
may be thinking that Gogu is getting a little soft. And its true, city
life was taming Gogu. So he left Rome. He took a couple of bounds
(bound, bound, bound and rebound) and landed in front of his Mountain.
His burning Mountain. His conquered Mountain. If he had been Bruce
Banner, he would have suddenly become green and ripped. But he wasn't
Bruce Banner, and he already was ripped.
Gogu stopped to celebrate Christmas. It made it slightly difficult that he lived B.C., but that didn't stop Gogu. Not much did.
Twas a tall, dark mountain. Its crown was wreathed in flame, but
the rest of the mountain was covered by huge, dark, ominous trees,
unsinged by the flame above them. "ZURG!" Gogu awoke with a start.
He looked up at the stars (for it was still night). "Drat it all!" He
said, "I slept right through New Years Day!" And so grumbling, he got
up out of the riverbed he was sleeping in, and walked towards a
waterfall, under which he planned to take a shower. As he walked
towards his shower, he ripped a pine tree out of the ground, to use as
a scrub. "ZURG!" Gogu dropped the pine tree, and looked in the
direction the sound came from. It was is mountain. His tall,
beautiful mountain. But it was capped in flame and covered in
darkness. Gogu started to stomp towards it. He stomped to the very
base of the mountain, when he was thrown backwards, almost as if he had
walked into an invisible wall. Words flashed before his eyes. "You
must find the green key before you can enter this level." Gogu stood
up. He reached his hand forward, and felt, sure enough, there was an
invisible wall. The words flashed again, "You must find the green key
before you can enter this level." Gogu stared stupidly at the flashing
warning. Then he clumsily pulled his hand back, and then rammed it
forward, jamming his fist through the wall. Then he pried at it with
the fingers of his other hand. The wall cracked in half, Gogu stepped
through, and started walking up his mountain. The words flashed again,
"You must find the green key before you can enter this level."
Gogu, unable to read, continued to climb up his mountain. Until, ZAPPO! He was in a 2-D world. Much to Gogu's annoyance, a little short Italian man ducked between his legs as a huge spiky turtle-dragon thing bulled towards him. Unused to moving in two dimensional space, Gogu stumbled about, smashing Mario and knocking Bowser into the non-existent third dimension.
After much struggling, Gogu finally broke free of the
two-dimensional video game world. He shook the pixels from his eyes,
and looked. There before him stood his own dear mountain, Valhalla, as
it once was, flameless and filled with songbirds. Whatever strangeness
and evil filled it before, seemed to have passed.
[Nobody was disturbed by the fact that Gogu's mountain was named
Valhalla? Do any of you chaps know what Valhalla is? It is the Hall
of the Norse Gods! The Home of the Dead Warriors! (get your tickets
now--game against Mount Olympus-U, Saturday)]
Gogu climbed to
the top of Valhalla, and there found a bunch of red-bearded, Norse
Warriors slicing and dicing each other, covered in blood. As soon as
one warrior looked like the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy
Grail however, he would simply reattach his arms and legs and join back
in for the fun. They looked like a bunch of giggling Second Grade
girls playing jump rope, except that they were covered in gore and
bearded. Two traits one does not normally attach to Second Grade
girls. Soon they all noticed Gogu, and turned to look at him. One of
them tried to speak, but Gogu interrupted him, "Please. Don't say a
word. I don't even want to know what this is. Just clean yourselves
up, and get off my mountain."
Complaining like children when recess has ended, the Norsemen
started to clean up their mess, packing up their things, and passing
severed arms and legs around to their rightful owners. A violent sound
broke their monotonous whining, and Gogu looked up. "ZURG! ZUUUUURG!"
Thor's friend Loki landed less-than-gracefully on the mountain top. He
recovered, with even less grace, and wiped the dirt and grime off
himself. Some of the Vikings called out, "Zurg? What the heck was
THAT, Loki?" "Zurg?" He replied, "Why its Thor's new battle cry."
Some of the Norsemen covered their eyes, others shrugged their
shoulders, and some groaned out, "He changed it AGAIN!?"
(Gogu could totally whoop the Colts.)
Loki shrugged, "Yup. He found out that the Coast Guard was
already using his last one. I don't know. We've had worse than
'Zurg'." Loki glanced over, and noticed Gogu, startled he began, "Who
are you?"
"I own this mountain." Gogu replied.
"You...you do?" Loki asked. Gogu merely nodded.
"No, no, no." Loki shook his head, recovering quickly. "You may have owned
this mountain. Now, in the present tense, Odin owns it. Its called
eminent domain. You lived on it. We're turning it into a Warrior's
Paradise Spa. So sue me."
Gogu,
not being a good American, in fact, not being an American at all,
didn't sue Loki. Instead he grabbed Loki and all the other Norse
warriors up in his arms, carried them over to a cliff, and dropped them
off the mountain. Everybody thought it was great fun. Except for Loki.
The clouds gathered in the sky, and darkened. Rain fell from on
high, and Zeus threw some lightning bolts for kicks. Then Thor came
down from the heavens on his chariot, as a wave crashes down onto the
Earth, so Thor crashed down onto Gogu’s mountain. He landed like a
garbage bag of tomato juice. It was painful to watch. The Norse Warriors cheered. Loki folded his hands. Thor stumbled
onto his feet. He brandished his hammer and stumped towards Gogu.
Gogu's eyes grew even squintier, and a violent light glowed from behind
his ominous eyebrows. A confrontation like none other seen before was
about to take place, a fight that would not be matched until the
introduction of the UFC. A gasp unexpectedly burst from Gogu's mouth.
It was as if he had just sucked in more air in an expression of
surprise. Thor paused. Gogu said, "Wow. What a hammer!" Thor
stroked it. "Its my baby. It's German designed and manufactured and
guaranteed for life. You have no idea how much this sweet thing cost
me, let alone the expenses of purchasing it from a country that doesn't
exist yet." They cooed over it for a little bit longer. Gogu reached
out and tried to touch it, but Thor jerked it away. They both grew red
and angry. Gogu remembered his captured mountain, and was filled again
with hate. He crouched down, and Thor raised his hammer. Gogu's glare
would have stopped a charging rhinoceros, but Thor returned it. The
staring contest was on!
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| He was a man with a dream. A man with a dream ofconquering Europe. Gogu was a barbarian. Gogu sat on his mountain. He happened to glanceto his right, and he spied Europe. Since Gogu was protected by thick, tanned skin, that didn't change color even when exposed to direct UV rays without sunscreen, he didn't turn green with envy. He would have turned green with envy, though, if he hadn’t been such a beast of a man. As it was, his face only got a little more squintier. Gogu, for better or for worse, in sickness or in health,decided to do something about it. Your-up was green. (All you people with father’s who have been or are stationed in Your-up: Take heed that Gogu is way older than your grandma and your grandma’s dog, let alone your father.) What say ye? Ye interrupt this tale for a description of de Gogu? Very well,ungrateful children, I will give ye a deescription. Some mornings, Gogu was squatty. Notice I do not say “short.” Gogu was not short and squatty. He was just squatty. He stood about six cubits high. He has no neck. His beefy, trogdoresque arms trail on the ground. He is covered in dark, thick chest hair. I mean, that’s the only way to describe it, chest hair all over his darkly tanned arms and legs. Actually, he looked like this all mornings. And if your being a smartypants, yes, I did change tenses on you…twice. I could tell you all of the time Gogu smashed a youngster who interrupted the story. I could tell you all of Gogu's lil brother Hogu who got lost in Gogu's chest hair one day and, for all we know, lives there still. Or I could tell you of the beautiful maiden who fell in love with Gogu, betraying her second or third love who was that dinosaur in Toy Story. But all this would be getting ahead of myself, because it all took place off the mountain, and for now, Gogu is still on it. Gogu took a solid Hulk-like bound off his mountain, and landed somewhere in modern Germany. Germany was hilly. Gogu was shorter than the hills. Gogu could not see over the hills. Gogu proceded to smash all the hills, so he could see a little farther. Satisfied with his work, Gogu slept. A young, pretty girl by the name of Jasmine Jazzamo, or, as her friends called her, B.B. King,saw Gogu flattening her father's hills (for her father was a hill-farmer) with his great strength. She sighed, somewhat ditzy-like, and fainted. We wouldn't call it twue wuv at this point, and, since we believe in courting,we don't really condone any bit of what is about to happen. Mothers,cover your children's eyes, Fathers, cover your daughter's eyes. Gogu took her out to the movies. It was a failure. Gogu drove Jazzamo all the way to the movie theater, just to find out that nothing had been released yet. It was a failure, besides, fate was drawing Gogu westward, toward the Roman Empire. Would it one day draw him back to Jasmine? It hadn't decided yet. Fate took Gogu to Rome. It didn't want to, but it was in the contract. When they got there they found Romulus building it. Or was it Remus? We never could get those two straight! Oh, sorry, whats that? Gogu? Oh yes, I was telling you the long and honored tale wasn't I? I must have dozed off. Where was I? So Gogu went back home to the mountain for Thanksgiving, and then he came back to Rome. By this time, Romulus had already murdered his brother, finished building Rome, and invited a bunch of bandits and lowlifes in for tea. It was some pretty good tea. I think they had Earl Grey and some kinda Orange Splash, or Lemon Leap, or Guatamole...Gumption. They all agreed the only thing missing was some Sabine women. And by this time, Gogu, tired of knocking at Rome's front gates while they made their decision, tore part of the wall off, and walked in. And Gogu took his mighty fist and smashed Calculus to bits.
And what did he find? He found a bunch of Italian men drinking tea and talking about Sabine women. Gogu merely shook his head. He was above partaking in such foolishness, although he was beneath understanding most of it. (The art of complexing simple conversations fell easily to the Italians) So without a word, or even a nod in his direction, the early Romans shuffled out past Gogu, walked through the torn off gate, and headed towards the Sable city. (not to be confused with the Sabine city. The Sabine women lived in the Sable city.) And so ends Book I. Its time for some chapter questions. 1. Do you think Gogu is hot? Do you wish you had such dark, tanned, chest-hair covered skin, impervious to sunlight? Explain. 2. Would you rather your little brother were lost in or out of your hair? 3. Ever played that Hulk video game? Man, that dude can jump. 4. If there had been movies playing, what movie would you have taken Jazzamo to? 5. What do Guatamoles taste like anyway? Do they taste better with or without Gumption? 6. What does Sable mean anyway? 7. What did you have for dinner? Yes or why not.
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